When my mom hit puberty she gained ten pounds. My grandma (who smoked cigarettes to control her weight) freaked out. Every night at family dinner my mom had to drink skim milk while everyone else drank whole milk. She would even cook my mom separate, lower calorie meals than when the rest of the family got. That's so fucked up!
When I found out about that I seriously started to resent my grandma. Then it hit me "She hates fat girls!" And now every time I see her I feel like total shit because I know I'll always weigh too much for her. Even when I was anorexic I felt that I weighed too much for her and now that I'm at my HIGHEST WEIGHT EVER and I'm about to go on a cruise with her I am freaking the fuck out.
(Cruise Alert: Loaded with extremely rich extremely skinny anorexics and bulimics! Just try going to the bathroom without overhearing some girl making herself puke.)
She's going to be grossed out by me because I've gained weight *though it's hard not to when you've switched over from ana to mia*
I feel especially sick because I am also worried about my mom. She always turns into a nervous wreck before my grandma comes. She started working out everyday, eating only apples or low cal soups, and has been buzzing around the house listing all the things we need to do before Grandma comes for Christmas to make the house look absolutely perfect for my perfection demanding grandma.
Here's a few scenarios I'm hoping for...
And if those don't happen...
Lol.
P.S. If you read all of this- Thank you <3
I usually try to make my posts short and quick to read but I really needed to get all of this out of me.
I'm also really happy that I am starting to make some good friends here :)
By reading your posts and commenting on them I've been able to look at eating disorders from a bunch of different angles that I had never thought of myself and it's helping me to sort things out, so thank you!
3 comments:
A wise girl once said "Be yourself, even if it's negative and disordered and doesn't fit in: be yourself!"
I'm so sorry to hear all of this, but remember those words above. It's hard feeling like you will never be good enough for someone, but that doesn't mean that you should go out of your way to try. Enjoy your vacation. Don't let your Grandmother's prejudices come between you and what really matters. Talk to your mom about it, you two can tag team and help each other through the rough patches. You're lucky to have her and she you. I'd suggest coming up with fun things the two of you can do together to keep your mind off of and distance from your Grandmother.
You have such an impressively level head about all of this. Use it to your advantage <3
P.s. I absolutely loved the pictures. Gave me the giggle I've been needing. Although I can't stop thinking about how terrible it would have been if a wave hit the ship or a strong wind came by and the girl in the last one dropped the cinderblock......
You'll be fine, darling. Keep your head up. Stay strong for all of us.
I am sure your grandma loves you the way you are. Because she loves you she wouldnt judge you and always remember that. Lots of love xx
ims orry that ur grandma is the way she is
but u do what makes u happy or what u wanna do dont do enthing that some1 else makes u do unless u wanna do it
stay strong
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